Ah dammit! Phone died!
Turn it on, hit the thing?
Hold it down longer?
Give it a second and then
Hold it down longer?
Died on 3%
Some juice left probably
If it would god damn turn the shit on!?

Shouldn’t have been playing muzak and texting
When I knew it was so low
Probably could’ve just played muzak
and not texted?
Then at least I’d have something?
So quiet
Look at me, so addicted to this thing
Dead in my hand
Dead only after 3%!!!!
Garbage!

Now the day is ruined!
Was having a nice time actually?
Really relaxing for once
And now what am I supposed to do?
Not just gonna sit up here so
What am I to do?
But just try it, try to just sit
Some meditation type stuff
this is

No one just sits anymore
So said Jeff Bridges and Bernie Glassman
years ago in a book
So say me for years into other books
So say me for years to Mother and Brother
No one just sits anymore, I say
One day I’ll practice just sitting
Like on a to do list
Hell, do it every day, yeah!
And I’ll get better with it
Get some attention span back
Real social charm back, sense of peace, etc.

Why am I still holding it?
What am I supposed to look at?
Why won’t I take this opportunity
for self growth now in this moment?
Why do I delay?
Why am I already climbing down the fire escape
towards an outlet?

I’m just like the kids Louie
talked about on Conan?
He said that’s why
people text and drive
When they’re not on phone,
they’re alone with themselves
for once
and they’re like FUCK!!
What do I do?!!
Might as well risk it all
and not look at
how to not get hit by all these cars
And then you’re gone
And what can you do then?

I bet even dying last moments are worse for people now
Can’t relax. Be with themselves at peace
Mind free to think
normal death last days type of thoughts
Like “I’ve made mistakes but I’ve accepted them
and have moved on and
have been glad to pro actively make amends recently,
cause I won’t be able to when I’m dead,
and even though it won’t matter really,
that words were said,
why would they matter to me when I’m dead,
me saying them will help my F&F (friends and family) that I loved and/or wronged,
and that fulfills me. Some of them you wronged!
Not all of them, and only a little.
You’re not a monster”

“And let’s hope that being so honest
leads to kitchen table, focused chats
by my F&F and more
about how my heart was always
pure and full of love and that I
made people feel good
At least not bad
More good than bad”
“Like that time right before he died
That was really positive of him
When he apologized for never reaching out anymore
to us
For taking. Just taking and taking and not giving,”
they could say. Something like that

Maybe they will understand
Goodness to bad-ish-ness timeline and
Where my phone fit in
Fit in!
More like covered ON! Consumed!
Fits in life as a good 90% of minutes spent
What is my life
What is it
if not how I spend it now?
Scrolling
Reading tiny bits
Hot Instagram girl models
Screenshots, zooming in
Over and over again

People are uncomfortable when
Not on them, when they’re not around them
Phones. Good phones.
Best friend’s right there
Haven’t seen him in 2 years
For longer than 2 weeks
And then you can’t stop
Scrolling thru Instagram
Cause your friend isn’t hot pics of chicks
But Instagram is
That’s exciting shit to be looking at
All the time
We could talk about that?

Friend calls and calls and invites
Texts he has news, To call
No friend up on my roof now though
Friend died
Only at 3%!!!!!

Advertisements